Faced with this awful news, they brainstorm what they can do about it, given the relatively brief time they have left with influence.

One of them points out that heat pumps are too expensive to fit, for most people, and cost more to run than a gas boiler unless you keep tinkering with the system, something households are not trained or used to doing.

So, the conversation goes like this:-

“Let’s make heat pumps cheaper, get rid of VAT.” Another replies, “already done.” “Oh bother (they are polite chaps), let’s subsidise them more. Let’s offer £5000 off the cost, that should do it.” The sobering reply came, “we’ve tried that already, in fact that failed so we increased it to £7500.”

“Wow, that should do the job. And I also reckon if we remove any restrictions on noise or where they can be located, that gets rid of the barriers some random bloke told me stopped him fitting one.”

“Done.”

“So why won’t people do as we tell them and fit a heat pump? I know they cost more to run, except if you are on a special tariff (I wrote that line for the department to parrot), so let’s give them £200 a year off their bills.”

“Do you think the taxpayer will go for this? £7500 plus £200 a year, for the life of a heat pump that’s another three grand for households we know are well off. What about those who can’t afford one still?”

“Well, they should have done better at school then, like us. And I’ve got another idea, why not offer a guarantee that a heat pump will cost less than a boiler over its lifetime?”

“But heat pump manufacturers have told us the appliance will always cost more than a boiler, just looking at the size of the kit and what needs to be installed, they have a point.”

“So, let’s make gas boilers more expensive then, ever heard of the boiler tax?”

“No, why?”

“Because we call it a Clean Heat Market Mechanism!”

Footnote – these conversations are entirely fictional, based on a Times article this week, or are they?